Outsourcing the Presidency

I hadn’t seen this before….

Subject: Outsourcing the Presidency
Date: Mon, 20 Mar 2006  15:10:07

Congress today announced that the office of President of the United States of America will be outsourced to India as of April 12, 2006.  The move is being made to save the President’s $400,000 annual salary, and also a record $521 billion in deficit expenditures and related overhead the office has incurred during the last 5 years.

“We believe this is a wise move financially. The cost savings should be significant,” stated Congressman Thomas Reynolds(R-WA).  Reynolds, with the aid of the Government Accounting Office, has studied outsourcing of American jobs extensively.  “We cannot expect to remain competitive on the world stage with the current level of cash outlay,” Reynolds noted.

Mr. Bush was informed by email this morning of his termination.  Preparations for the job move have been underway for sometime.  Gurvinder Singh of Indus Teleservices, Mumbai, India, will be assuming the office of President as of April 12.  Mr. Singh was born in the United States while his Indian parents were vacationing at Niagara Falls, thus making him eligible for the position.  He will receive a salary of $320 (USD) a month but with no health coverage or other benefits.

It is believed that Mr. Singh will be able to handle his job responsibilities without a support staff.  Due to the time difference between the US and India, he will be working primarily at night, when few offices of the US Government will be open.  “Working nights will allow me to keep my day job at the American Express call center,” stated Mr. Singh in an exclusive interview.  “I am excited about this position. I always hoped I would be President someday.”

A Congressional spokesperson noted that while Mr. Singh may not be fully aware of all the issues involved in the office of President, this should not be a problem because Bush was not familiar with the issues either.  Mr. Singh will rely upon a script tree that will enable him to respond effectively to most topics of concern.  Using the scanned responses, he can address common concerns without having to understand the underlying issues at all.

“We know these scripting tools work,” stated the spokesperson.  “President Bush has used them successfully for years.  “Mr. Singh may have problems with the Texas drawl, but lately Bush has abandoned the “down home” persona in his effort to appear intelligent and on top of the Katrina situation.

Bush will receive health coverage, expenses, and salary until his final day of employment.  Following a two week waiting period, he will be eligible for $240 a week unemployment compensation for 13 weeks.  Unfortunately, he will not be eligible for Medicaid, as his unemployment benefits will exceed the allowed limit. Mr. Bush has been provided the outplacement services of Manpower, Inc. to help him write a résumé and prepare for his upcoming job transition.  According to Manpower, Mr. Bush may have difficulties in securing a new position due to limited practical work experience.

A Greeter position at Wal-Mart was suggested due to Bush’s extensive experience shaking hands and his phony smile.  Another possibility is Bush’s re-enlistment in the Texas Air National Guard.

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